I can text with my tongue
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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