Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
