im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
