Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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