so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
it's like heaven, but drunker
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
