btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
