i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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