Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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