Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
