Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
