The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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