Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
