All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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