He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
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I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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