i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I don't deserve a penis
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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