Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
