Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
