College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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