you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
