Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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