speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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