just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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