I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
