Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
