I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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