I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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