I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
