Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
