I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
