Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
