everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
