The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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