his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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