walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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