Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
