you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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