I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
