U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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