I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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