I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
