dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
