she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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