How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
These tits shall not be calmed
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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