I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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