The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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