jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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