i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
