I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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