I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
