sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
