Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize