My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
