I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
