How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
