Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
