Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
