Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
