Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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