You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
