dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
