Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
