im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
