Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
