Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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